


All My Worth

by Anime747



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Blindfolds, Cute Picnic, Daddy Kink, Dom/sub, Levi’s a momma’s boy, M/M, Minor Character Death, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Overstimulation, Plot Twist, Self-Harm, Slapping, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Top!Levi, bottom!Eren, breathe kink, high school/university au, promise ring
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2019-08-25 17:21:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16665001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anime747/pseuds/Anime747
Summary: Eren Jaeger hasn’t had the best life, with his dad not knowing that he’s mentally abusing them.  Naturally, he tends to lean on his mom, older sister, and his best friend.  In his senior year, a tragedy occurs and his life falls apart. That is, until he goes to college and finds the one person that shows him everything that he’s worth.





	1. Junior Year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prologue

I have soooooo much work this year, I mean, I know people kept telling me that Junior year is the hardest but I just didn’t want to believe them. It’s the year that colleges look at you and your grades so you think the school would help us get good grades. Instead, they act like we don’t have social lives or mental health issues and load the work on us. I don’t get it! Although I have to say, even with my bitching, my mom has been a saint. She’s been forcing me to take some time off every once and awhile. She’ll drive me to the mall and tell me to go have some fun with my friends, we’ll go to the movies together and go out to eat.  My dad of course was at work but that’s no change.

 

Of course I’ll get home start working on my homework, take a break and then get to studying while watching TV. But once my dad comes home, all hell breaks loose. “You know Carla, our son is never going to get good grades if he doesn’t turn off the TV and actually study for once.” For him, it was always about the numbers, but my mom, she cared about me. If I was working hard that would be good enough. I swear if my mom doesn’t divorce him soon I’ll do it for her. 

 

All he does these days is yell at us and tell us how horrible we are and that we never do anything. Mikasa’s lucky that she can drive, she usually just leaves when he gets home and drives for a while.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

Dad’s home and I’m stuck hiding in my room because he’s angry that mom didn’t make dinner for him even though he comes home 3 hours after we finished eating. Why can’t he just heat up the leftovers? Whatever. I put my noise cancelling headphones on and turn the music up, hoping that everything will get better.  

 

~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

Ughhh. I can’t believe I forgot we had an Algebra test. I’m totally gonna bomb it, I don’t understand anything that we’re learning. Our teacher’s a nice person but she’s shit at teaching, unless it’s one on one. I meet Armin and Mikasa for lunch and study the best I can while I’m there.

 

“Hey Eren, do you know that goth guy that’s staring at you?” Mika pointed towards the table in the back corner.

 

I turned around to see who it was and waved. By waved I mean put my hand in the air and put it back down. He made a sound through his teeth and went back to talking to his friends. At least, I think they’re his friends. He kinda looks like he just sulks around with 3 over-elated people.

 

“No clue Mika.”

 

Of course Armin chimes in, “That’s Levi Ackerman. He just transferred to our school this year. He’s in a few of my classes and the people that he’s sitting with are the only people he talks to besides the teachers. He’s a senior, pretty smart too considering he’s in AP courses.”

 

Mika and I chuckle, I thought, Armin you dweeb, why do you have information on everyone.  

 

“What? What’d I say?” Okay, that just made us laugh harder.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

From that day on, I continued to glance at the alluring Levi, constantly wondering why I was doing it. One day when I was looking at porn (yes, I’m a teenage boy with raging hormones and have a need for porn), I ran into pornhub gay. I clicked into it thinking what harm could it do? I started watching one of the videos and it was like a light bulb turned on above my head, like one of those cartoons. Well shit, I guess I’m gay... oh fuck it, I’m gay as fuck. So yeah, that’s how I found out. Gay porn and a lot of Levi thoughts. I don’t know what it is about him but he intrigued me. Maybe it’s that he’s mysterious or maybe it’s that he’s terrifying, either way I’m turned on.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

Junior prom came and went, it was a blast, but now finals are coming. Senior prom is next month and so many people have been asked to the prom, although there’s still a few people that haven’t asked anyone. Armin had a hunky blond ask him and he didn’t even hesitate to say yes. I don’t think I’ve seen him happier in the entire time that I’ve known him. It just so happens that said hunky blond’s name was Erwin, we found out two things: Erwin Smith is Valedictorian and he is best friends with Levi fucking (me) Ackerman.

See what I did there. Hehe.

Anyway, I now have someone that I can use to ask about Levi, what I didn’t know was that Levi was doing the same to me with Armin.

One day, when I’m up on the roof in the plant nursery, Levi shows up. I don’t bother looking up but he cleared his throat. When I looked up, I saw him holding black roses and a box of chocolate. 

“So, I’ve been watching you watching me and I decided that enough was enough. I wasn’t gonna go to prom but Izzy forced me. She’s the redhead that sits next to me and calls me ‘big bro’. Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to go to prom with me.”

I never heard his voice before, it’s deep and silky and reverberates in me.  My heart was pumped fast and I felt numb. I was speechless, I never expected him of all people to ask anyone to prom, never mind little old me.

“Well?”

“Ummm… y-yeah, absolutely.”

“Great.” He hands me the flowers and chocolates and continues, “Can I get your number and your address? I kind of need to know where you live if I’m gonna pick you up.”

“O-oh, yeah.” We exchange numbers and I give him my address.

“I’ll pick you up to go tux shopping, by the way you’re dressed you’ll probably wear a guitar tie.”

“Okay.” My mouth hung open, I didn’t know what else to say. 

“Text me a time and day and I’ll help you pick it out. Prom tickets are on me, just bring about $200 maybe a little extra for the tux.”

“Okay.”

“See you tomorrow.” He turns to walk away, before he does, I notice a small smirk form.

“Yeah...” What just happened?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Levi showed up at my house in a black Mazda sport, how fitting, and I went downstairs to let my mom know that I was going out.

“Oh? Where are you going? And who’s the guy waiting outside?”

“I’m going to the mall to get a tux for prom. He’s helping me pick one out.”

“Uh-huh. And he’s not here for a different reason?”

I blushed, hard. “No mom.”

“Who are you going to senior prom with? I know you can’t go unless you got invited.”

“Igottagomombye!” I practically ran out of the house. She definitely knows that I’m up to something.

“Hey, Eren.”

“Hey, let’s get going. I gotta be home by 8 for dinner so we only got 3 hours.”

“Alright, get in.”

I got in the car and was surprised to hear classic rock. I must’ve had a look of surprise on my face.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Surprised about my music choice?”

“No, not at all.”

“It’s okay, I get that a lot. I have black clothes, combat boots, and wear black eyeliner. People make the assumption that I must listen to screamo and hard metal. I actually listen to most music, some pop is okay and rap is meh depending on if it has an actual storyline. Okay, we’re here.”

“Mm,” I get out of the car and we start walking to the tux shop.

“Okay, so what color tux do you want, black or navy.”

“Ummm... black.”

“What size are you?”

“Medium.”

He started mumbling, “Black, size 8,” and was searching through the racks. He had a white collared shirt, and undershirt, jacket, and pants. I was impressed with how fast he found them.  “And what size shoe are you?”

“12.”

“And...” he said grabbing leather dress shoes “done. Go try these on.”

“Don’t I need I tie?”

“Later, first we need to make sure this fits. Remember it should be form fitting, not tight. If you can’t sit down comfortably or raise your arms above your head then you need a bigger size. Once you have the jacket buttoned, put your hand between your chest and jacket and make sure there’s enough room for you to breathe. It’s meant to be comfortable not deadly. If you need help please just ask me.”

“Okay.” I got in the changing room and did what he said. Everything fit perfectly. I must have been taking a while because Levi started talking.

“Hey, you good? Do you want help?” 

Me being me, I wanted to get him in the changing room. “Actually, could you come make sure everything fits well?”

“Tch. Sure brat.”

I blushed, “I’m not a braaat,” I whined.  

“Hm. The fact that you just whined that you’re not a brat proves my statement.” Levi came into the dressing room and cat calls me. My face looks like a cherry. He stood behind me and lifted my arms, to test the comfort. When he lowered my arms he wrapped one arm around my waist and another around my chest and under the jacket. “Mmm... definitely fits,” he whispered into my ear with that sexy voice of his. I leaned back into him, close my eyes, and let him hold me for a bit. 

“We should go find a tie.”

“Okay, change. I’ll wait outside.” As he let go of me he kissed my cheek and walked away. I nearly swooned, my heart was beating out of my chest. I get changed and meet him outside to find a tie with the tux in hand. 

“We should get a cerulean color, it’ll compliment your beautiful eyes.”

“Okay.” He never fails to make me blush, I’ll give him that. He finds the perfect tie and gives it to me. I stared at it blankly because I’ve never had to tie a tie before. 

“You don’t know how to tie it, do you?”

“…no.”

“Come here.” I give him the tie and he ties it around his neck first before putting it around mine and tightening it. “Seems like the perfect length.”

I smile at him and he takes the tie off of me before leading me to the checkout counter.  We pay for everything and he drives me home.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

It’s finally prom day! I’m so excited I’ve been prepping all day, I got my hair done and I got a mani pedi (Why am I so fucking gay?). 

“So, you got all buffed up for who?”

“My… well… I guess he’s my boyfriend.” I was hesitant to tell her, I never told her I was gay, I just kind of assumed that she could tell. She always had that killer mom instinct.

“Aww, my little boy’s all grown up and has a boyfriend.”

“Oh shush.”

She gives me one of those mom hugs that seem like a bear hug. “I’m gonna miss you when you’re off in college.”

“That’s not for another year.”

“But that’s gonna come so soon, you aren’t even gonna realize it.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“So, when’s he gonna get here, I want pictures. And no, I’m not giving you an option, I’m getting pictures of the two of you.”

“Umm... he should be here by 6.”

“1 hour. You should go get dressed, I’ll get the camera ready.”

I walk up the stairs  and get dressed while trying to keep my hair neat.  By the time I’m ready I’m staring at my tie like it should tie itself.  I decided I was just gonna put it around my neck and wait for Levi to come and tie it for me.

Once Levi pulled into the driveway I walked back downstairs with my tie loosely around my neck. I opened the door, “still don’t know how to tie your tie do you?”

“Maybe I wanted you to do it for me.”

“Mmm... that’s a good excuse,” he said with a smirk on his face.

I blushed and turned my head back to see my mom trying to stop herself from squealing. After he finished, I moved out of the way so he could walk in. 

“Uhh... this is my Mom.”

“Hi, it’s nice to meet you Mrs. Jaeger.” He stuck out his hand to shake hers.

She pushed his hand out of her way and hugged him-- “Oh such a gentleman, call me Carla.”

Mom took her pictures and we were on our way to prom. Once we got there we sat down, ate our food, and then the dancing started. As soon as a slow song came on Levi got up and put his palm out. “Would you care to dance?”

I took his hand and giggled, “Of course.” We went out into the middle of the dance floor and he started waltzing. As I was trying to follow his feet, all I could think was that I was amazed, “I didn’t know you could waltz.”

“You don’t know a lot of things about me.” I smiled a little and burrowed my head in his neck.

“Why don’t you teach me,” I whispered. 

“My name is Levi Revaille Ackerman. I’m 18 years old. I hate seafood. My favorite color is the ocean in your eyes.” He kissed my neck and I held him tighter. At this point we were just swaying to the music and enjoying each other’s company.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

He drove me to his house after I asked my Mom if I could stay, the ride was in comfortable silence. The house was dark except for the porch lights and kitchen, he pulled out his keys and invited me in. 

“Levi!”

Levi’s smile could have lit up the entire room. “Maman, que fais-tu debout si tard?”

My eyes widened, he speaks French. That’s so fucking hot.

“I was waiting up for you, I couldn’t sleep without you being home. And who is this, is this the famous Eren?”

“Well, I wouldn’t say famous.”

“Oh! Rivaille, il est trop mignon!”

He smirked, what did she say that made him smirk? “I know maman.”

“He’s a keeper.”

My cheeks were flushed as she went to hug me. As she backed away, she said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t even introduce myself. I’m Kuchel.”

“It’s nice to meet you Kuchel.”

“Well maman, I think it’s time for all of us to get some sleep.”

“Alright, I’ll talk to you in the morning. Bonsoir, mon amour.”

“Bonsoir.”

“Goodnight.”

We went upstairs and into his bedroom. “I’ll get you an extra toothbrush.” He left the room for a while and I started looking around.  He had lots of pictures of him and his mom and with his friends, but none of his father. He has a lot of books and DVD’s, there’s a record player with records of Queen, Whitney Houston, and a bunch of different genres. His room is pretty much what I expected, grayish-blue walls, blue sheets, and hardwood flooring with a teal rug.

“Hey—“ I turned around— “bathroom’s all yours.”

When I came back he had started setting up a makeshift bed on the floor. “I figured you would take the bed and I take the floor?”

I took his hand— “No, we can share the bed. It’s queen sized, we’ll both fit.”

“Okay.”

We woke up with him spooning me, when he tried to pull away I just grabbed his arm and pulled him back. “Just a few more minutes,” I mumbled.  He kissed the back of my neck and relaxed.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

It’s his graduation day. I’m crying for two reasons; one: I’m proud of him, two: he’s going to Trost University, it’s two states over.  I’m going to lose him, we both agreed that a long distance relationship would be difficult. He made me promise that I wouldn’t just go to Trost because he’s there, he wanted me to go to a university that was what I wanted.

Our parents surprised us by getting a hotel room for Levi’s graduation. When we got there, I was practically on top of him, grasping onto him and kissing him like my life depended on it because I knew I was losing him. I guess I had tears running down my face because he started kissing them away. 

“Shhh... Slow down. We have all the time in the world.” Which of course I knew wasn’t true so it only made me cry more. He kissed me, it was so gentle, he’s only this gentle with his mother. Other times he’s too busy glaring at anybody who makes eyes at me.

He puts his hand under my ass and I wrap my legs around his waist. We made love that night and we both lost our virginity. We agreed to stay friends and text each other, then he got used to college life and stopped texting me.  I had a breakdown before the first day of school, I cried for hours and pretty much had a panic attack. I didn’t realize how much I missed him until I realized that he wouldn’t be with me throughout my senior year. I guess this is where my story actually starts.


	2. Senior Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren suffers from Levi leaving, a death in his immediate family, and going through everything without them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning- skip over astricts

Senior year is supposed to be fun and easy going, except everything has gone wrong. My name is Eren Jaeger and my senior year sucked. Everything was going so great, then, over the summer, my parents got divorced. Dad was never home often enough and when he was all he did was yell at us. My mom got custody of Mikasa and I, Mikasa went to university and I went to high school with Armin. I had almost every class with him which was great because it gave me an excuse to look out for him. He always had trouble with bullies and I’m hoping that’ll change this year. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

It’s December now and everything’s going great, I have A’s and B’s, Mika’s home for the holidays, and Armin hasn’t been bullied yet. Dad, Armin, and Armin’s grandfather are supposed to be coming over for Christmas so Mika and I wanted to go out and buy presents. My mom drove us to the mall and gave us $50 to buy presents for everybody. I found Armin, Mika, and I wing pendants that we could all wear since we’re childhood friends. Mom was supposed to pick us up at 6 to go home for dinner and she’s usually early, but this time she wasn’t there. We waited for a few minutes before we decided that she was in traffic so we went to the food court and paid with our leftover money. 

It was an hour before the police called us, “Is this Mikasa Ackerman?” 

“Yes it is, who am I speaking to?”

“Ma’am, this is the police, I’m Officer Brzenska. Is your adoptive mother Carla Jaeger?”

“Yes. Wh-what’s going on? What happened?”

“Ma’am, I’m sorry to say but, she’s been in an accident. She’s in the ER getting emergency surgery in Maria General.”

Mikasa let out a shaky breath before turning to me, I was looking at her with my brows furrowed. “Mom’s in the hospital. She was in an accident.”

“No...-“ with tears in my eyes, I asked, “Is she okay?”

“I don’t know.” Speaking into the phone, “we can’t drive anywhere and our dad’s at work, is there anyway you could get us to the hospital?”

“Absolutely Ma’am, where are you?”

“We’re at Sina mall, outside the food court entrance.”

“Okay, we’re on our way.”

“Thank you,” she whispered. Mikasa hung up the phone and looked up at me, I felt like throwing up but I just started crying. She hugged me in a motherly way, “Shhhh... It’s all gonna be alright. She’ll be fine, she’s strong.” She took my hand to walk me outside and wait for the police.

When the police arrived, we walked up to the car. “Are you two Mikasa Ackerman and Eren Jaeger?” Mikasa nodded her head. “Alright, hop in the back, we’ll take you to your mom.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

When we got to the hospital, Dad was waiting for us and said that Mom was in surgery. Her right knee cap was shattered, she had two broken ribs, a broken femur, glass stuck in her arms, and the Dad said that she hit her head pretty hard on the wheel even with the airbags. A drunk driver ran the light at the intersection and T-Boned her car. I don’t know what to do. If she dies, I don’t know what I would do.  

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

When she came out of surgery, 6 hours later, she was in a coma. The doctors are hoping that she remains stabilized but it’s all touch-and-go right now. Mika and I are huddled in the corner of her hospital room, just waiting for her to wake up. Dad was sitting in a chair next to mom’s bed, holding her hand and praying that she wakes up.

Eventually, he had to go back to work, fortunately he was a doctor in Maria General so he didn’t have to travel far.  I would have had to go to school but dad called the school and explained everything so the principal said that I don’t have to come in until after winter break. Mika was home so I stayed with her, we slept in mom’s bed every night waiting for her to wake up. Every night I cry myself to sleep, Mika would just hold me, stroke my hair, and tell me that everything’s gonna be alright because she doesn’t know what to do or say.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Christmas Day is here and I’m usually jumping off the walls but it’s just not right without Mom.  We opened our family presents in the morning and recorded it like we always do. After that we had breakfast and went to the hospital. We didn’t see dad there so I assumed he was working. We sat with mom and had a Christmas lunch with her and showed her the video of us opening presents. Of course she couldn’t actually respond or see it but she could still hear, right?  

When we went home we made Christmas dinner with the food that mom already bought. Stuffing, mashed potatoes, corn, turkey, ham, and all that other good stuff. Once Armin, his grandfather, and Dad got here we sat down to eat.  No one talked about Mom in hopes that we could forget for just a little while. 

We opened presents, Armin and Mika loved the wing necklaces that I bought for the three of us.  Armin got me Finding Dory and of course I put it in the player right away. Mika gave Armin a chemistry set that you can do real experiments with.  

We tried to pretend that everything was normal even though we didn’t have the laughter from my mother when Mika, Armin, and I sing Christmas carols.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

New Year’s went by and Mom still wasn’t waking up. I had to go back to school, I’m less focused now and the teachers understand why. They’re trying to help me get by with passing grades. 

I was walking to stats when I heard my name being called over the intercom.  I went into guidance and they were all gathered around the phone with a look of shock. 

“Umm… this call is for you.” One of the guidance secretaries hesitantly gave me the phone. 

I brought up to my ear, “Hello?”

“Is this Eren Jaeger?”

“Yes, who is this? What’s going on?”

“This is Maria General, you need to get down here quickly.”

“Wha… what? I don’t understand.” My heart was beating out of my chest.

“Tell your school that you need to go to the hospital. We will give you a school note.”

“O...okay.” Eren gave the phone back to the secretary. “I have to go to the hospital.” I didn’t wait for a response, I just walked right out of school, got in my car, and started driving to the hospital. 

I walked into the waiting room and saw Mika crying while she and dad were talking to a doctor. I walked over and she wrapped her arms around me.  I pushed my way out of her arms and the doctor told me that my mom had a seizure from the trauma to her brain. “We did everything we could to save her,” they said. 

I was frozen, numb. I couldn’t feel anything I couldn’t move, couldn’t speak.

“Would you like to say goodbye in private?”

“… Yeah. Sure.” I dragged my feet across the hall to my mothers room, it felt surreal. I peeked in, she looked so peaceful. All of the IV’s and tubes connected to her were gone. All she had now was a hospital gown and blankets. I strolled over to the bed and took my moms hand. It was so cold and lifeless.

“I wish I had more time with you.” I whispered. “I shouldn’t have to be saying goodbye I’m only 17. You’re gonna miss my birthday and my graduation and my acceptance letter from a University. Why’d you have to leave me?” I was sobbing, I hadn’t even realized it. I touched my forehead to hers. “I love you so much.” I hugged her to the best of my ability and didn’t let go until the doctors told me it was time to send her to the funeral home.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Apparently, Mom had already written up a will. She explained exactly how she wanted her funeral and wake to go, who her money and belongings were going to, she had everything prepared. It was almost like she knew this was going to happen. She wanted something cheap, wanted Mika, Dad, and I to write eulogies. We arranged everything: mahogany casket, buried with snowdrop and pink carnations (which we found appropriate since she is being buried on her birthday, January 29th), and I was playing her favorite song at the wake.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

Everyone is dressed in all black except for me, I decided to add touches of Caribbean Blue. That’s the color that Mom said my eyes were, the color of the ocean. It was an open casket service, so everyone walked up to her and said their prayers. When the service started, everybody took their seats and the minister started preaching.  “We are all gathered here today, to celebrate the life of Carla Jaeger. A mother to 2 children, Eren Jaeger and Mikasa Ackerman...” 

I drowned it out, I can’t listen to him talk about the wonders of life and death for 2 hours.

We are called up for the eulogies, Dad goes first and he starts tearing up, then Mika goes and can barely speak, and last is me. 

“Hi everybody. My mom was everything to me, and it’s not fair that I don’t get more time with her. 17 years was definitely not enough. I... I still can’t accept the fact that she’s... that she’s gone. She taught me everything, how to cook, clean, be kind to others, and to live in the present. Well, right now, I don’t want to live in the present. I don’t know where I want to be at all. It feels like... like there’s something covering my eyes and it’s blinding me. 

 

“I loved her so much and I could never imagine a life without her, this life. This is not a life that I wanted. I wanted a life where my mom was alive and happy. So, I think that we need to celebrate her life instead of mourn her death. It’s what she would have wanted. I hope... that someday... I will join her in heaven. I hope she’s not alone up there.” I had to stop talking, I put my hand over my mouth and started sobbing, I hadn’t even finished my eulogy.  I kneeled, bowed my head, and put my hand on Mom’s. Once I felt able to walk again, I stood up and went to my seat in the pew. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Near the end of the wake, I sat down with my guitar and started playing Mom’s favorite song.

“When the night is come and the land is dark 

And the moon is the only light we’ll see

I won’t be afraid, I won’t be afraid

Just as long as you stand by me...”

(https://youtu.be/hwZNL7QVJjE)

By the end of the song, I was crying. Everyone one was comforting each other and we told Mom’s stories.

By the end of the night, when everyone was gone, I laid down on my bed and went on my phone. I went into contacts and my thumb hovered over the one person that could comfort me, Levi Ackerman.  I haven’t seen or spoken to him in 6 months. My mind was struggling to pick one thought: What if he doesn’t remember me? What if he doesn’t want to remember me? I need him. I clicked on his name and waited for him to answer.

“Hello?” As soon as I heard his deep voice I froze. “Is anybody there?”

“Hi,” I said shakily.

 

“Who is this?” He didn’t want to remember me. He would have seen my caller ID on his screen.

“I’m sorry,” I started crying, “I must have the wrong number.”

He must have heard me because he responded, “hey, wait, do I know you? I know that voice.”

“I’m sorry,” I sobbed into the phone and then hung up. At least he has my number now, if he remembers who I am he’ll call me back, right?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Mika had to go back to school mid-February, which means that I have to live with Dad. I refused to leave our house so Dad moved out of his apartment and into Mom’s... my house. If and when he came home, he would make a meal for the both of us. I ate lunch at school so any leftover from lunch he would throw in the fridge for me to heat up for dinner.

Sometimes, I forget that she’s not there. I’ll text her what’s for dinner? or I’ll yell down the stairs for her to help me with homework. When I wouldn’t get a response, I realized time and time again that she’s gone and she’s not coming back.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

March 30, my birthday. All of my friends threw a surprise party for me: Armin, Mika, Marco, Reiner, Bertholdt, Sasha, Connie, Annie, and even Jean.

I tried to be happy, but I couldn’t even get myself to smile. Everyone spent their time trying to cheer me up. Eventually I just told everyone: “Thanks for the party and for trying to cheer me up, but I want you to enjoy yourselves, go have fun.”

They brought me gifts too. A record player and a bunch of records from the 50’s to now, they all chipped in. I thanked them for the party and once everyone went home, I set up the turntable and put in a Ben E. King record. The first song that came on was Stand By Me, I started crying for the thousandth time since Mom passed.  I was tempted to text Levi instead of call him but I didn’t want to be disappointed again.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

It’s now April, springtime. Levi never called back. My teachers are still helping me keep my grades afloat, but I think they’re getting annoyed with it now, even though they insist otherwise.  I don’t do anything anymore, all I do is sulk in my room, eat when Dad makes food, attempt to do homework, and cry. 

 

*****************

 

One day, I was on my phone scrolling through tumblr ‘depression quotes’ as one does and I found a picture of someone who had been cutting themselves. The caption said, “I wish I could feel again.” I started thinking, I haven’t felt emotion since... that. If this could help me feel something, anything, I was more than willing. I went downstairs into the kitchen, oh good, no one’s home, I took a small knife from the block and went into the upstairs bathroom. I locked the door, rolled up my sleeve and held the blade against my skin. I started getting nervous, I decided that I needed to clean the blade. I cleaned it with some hydrogen peroxide. Then, I realized that I couldn’t put scars on my arms, I don’t want anybody to be concerned, it’s my life. I took off my belt, unbuttoned my jeans, and tugged them down a bit. I stared at my upper thigh for what seemed like hours, saying goodbye to the smooth, tan skin that’s about to be littered with scars. I gently pressed the blade down on my thigh and swiped. Small beads of blood started to bubble up, I barely even cut through my skin. I quickly typed on my phone “where are my major arteries” because I knew there was one in my leg and I didn’t want to hit it.  I slit my skin ten more times, a bit deeper each time, avoiding my femoral artery. I was entranced by the beads of blood gliding down the sides of my thigh. When I looked into the mirror on my left I noticed that I had tears rolling down my face, I took in a shuttering breathe and whispered, “I need to clean up.” I took a small cloth, ran it under warm water, and started cleaning my leg. I then spread Neosporin on the cuts and wrapped my upper thigh in gauze. I pulled up my pants and meandered to my room, well, at least I felt something: pain.

 

****************

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The school year is over, I got into Trost University and filled out all of the paperwork. Mom had a college savings account for Mikasa and I that had enough to get us both through freshman year. It also means that that Mika’s on her own now, but she should be fine with bank loans, her pay, and Dad’s help.  Ever since she died he’s been more sentimental, he stopped yelling all the time and he’s tried to be home more often. I think he’s grieving too, I guess it makes sense since they were married for 20 years. 

I’m still cutting, Mom would be so disappointed. Though, she would probably be more sad than anything.  I didn’t go to prom even though everybody wanted me to, it would have just reminded me that I don’t have Levi and that Mom isn’t there to embarrass me and say, “My baby boy’s all grown up!”  I wish she could have been at my graduation, taking pictures and crying like Mikasa and Dad were. I wish she could see me off to college, see me graduate, again, and go to work. I’m still going in undecided, I’ve been trying to come up with what I want for the future but it’s hard to think that far forward.

I miss Mom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I guess this is where it all begins.


	3. Levi’s Back

Summer came to an end and I was heading off to Trost University with Mikasa and Armin, we all decided to be together. Armin and I were roommates, Mikasa ended up rooming with Annie, who we didn’t know was going to Trost. A bunch of our other friends ended up at Maria or Sina University, we still keep in touch and made a pact to get together over Winter Break. Anyway, when we got there we got our ID cards, dorm keys, and schedules. Armin and I got a “good luck” from Mika when she dropped us off at our dorm. We unpacked our stuff and put everything away. We met the RA’s and a lot of the other students in our building. I could have sworn I saw Armin making googly eyes at one of our RA’s, Erwin, I couldn’t blame him. The man looked like Captain America: well-built, blonde hair, blue eyes, all he needed was a shield. Although, I don’t think Ar would appreciate the obstruction to his view. Plus, Erwin seemed to be staring back at him the same way. They looked like birds during mating season.

I nudged Armin when the meeting was over- “go say ‘hi,’ you both look like you wanna fuck each other.” He reminded me that they went to Prom together made his way over to him. I could tell he was flirting because he was batting his eyes and putting his hand on Erwin's muscular arm when he laughed.

Armin came back skipping- “He asked me on a date tonight,” he said practically squealing. It’s a rare sight to see him this happy.

“I’m so proud of you. It’s already 4, let’s go back to our dorm and get you ready.”

“Eek! This is so exciting!”

We got back to the dorm and Armin took an hour to find the perfect outfit, totally worth it because the jeans I found him showed off his ass and his flannel showed off his lean body. He went off on his date and I went off to the dining hall.

When I got there, I scanned my card. I love buffet style! I got a pesto fettuccini and veggie stir-fry and found a seat at an empty table. I finished eating and was getting up when it hit me: Mom’s not here. I grabbed some extra food and went back to my dorm to cry. I sobbed into my pillow for what seemed like hours when I got a text from Armin. ‘Date turned out well! I’m at his dorm and will probably stay the night. Don’t worry, I won’t do anything like that on the first date. See you tomorrow!’

Goodie, now I can wallow alone. ‘I’m glad, have fun. See ya tomorrow.’

~~~~~~~~~~~

“Tell me everything.”

“Well, we got to the restaurant and he opened my car door and held out a hand for me-“

“Gentleman.”

“- and then we sat down and he pushed in my chair. I thanked him. It was really awkward at first, we didn’t know what to say or do so we just ordered our drinks. Which I was grateful for because then I had something to fiddle with.”

“Armin you nervous wreck.”

“I know, I know. Anyway, we started talking when our food came, mostly about our majors and stuff.”

“Nerds.”

“Shut up. Eventually we found a bunch things that we had in common. It was getting late so he suggested going over to his dorm for coffee. He asked me if I wanted to stay and I was like ‘of course I want to stay’ Captain America. I was gonna sleep on the couch but he insisted on me taking the bed but I didn’t want him taking the couch so we shared the bed. I-it wasn’t like we did anything! We just cuddled, he spooned me and it was really comfy. I didn’t ever wanna get up.”

“Oooooh Armin someone has a crushy-wushy!” I pinched his bright pink cheeks.

He swatted my hands away- “heeeeyyy, stoooop!” He laughed.

“Aww, Ar I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks.”

“Well, enough about that. I have my first class and I wanna get there early.” I started putting my backpack together.

“Okay, see you later.”

“See ya.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

When I got to class there were only 3 people there. I was half an hour early and it was Psych 101, I didn’t really expect anyone to be there.

When the teacher got there about 10 minutes later she- _he?- she?_ \- whatever showed up, she looked very... eccentric. She was a brunette with a short ponytail, brown eyes, and dressed in multiple colors.

Once everyone was seated she introduced herself, “Hi, guys. I’m Professor Zoë, but you can call me Hange.” We went around the room and said our names and majors, I said undecided which was really awkward since I was the only one.

After class, I started walking to the café for lunch. I had my earbuds in so I wasn’t paying too much attention when some bumped into me and dropped his books. I took my earbuds out and turned around to help him. When I saw his face, I was stunned, I just stood there staring at him.

“Well brat, are you gonna just stand there or help me pick up my papers?”

“O-oh, right, sorry.” Maybe it was my voice but he finally looked up.

“Do I know you? I could never forget those gorgeous eyes.”

“You didn’t remember when I called you, why would you now. Take your fucking papers,” I mumbled, turned around and started to walk when I heard him say something else.

“Eren? Eren wait, I do remember you it just took a bit.” He reaches out and put his hand on my shoulder.

I pushed it off—“Don’t. Touch. Me. You don’t deserve it.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I tried calling you a-and texting you, but you never answered. I spent a month in my room crying over the thought that we were over because you never even bothered to try and c-contact me.” I was on the verge of breaking down and he could see it.

“Why don’t you come back to my dorm and we can talk?”

“Fine. But don’t go thinking that this means anything.”

Levi’s threw his hands up to a surrender—“It doesn’t mean anything, I just want to talk.”

I started following him to his dorm, once we got to the building I was surprised to see that we were at the suites. “How’d you get a suite?”

“I chose LGBTQ dorms.”

“Oh,” I whispered. He brought me up to his dorm, no one was there so we sat in the common room.

“No one will be back for half an hour.”

“Okay...-“ I was twiddling my thumbs. “Why?” I needed to know.

“Why, what?”

“Why did you leave me? Why did you stop talking to me? Did I do something wrong?” I realized that I was crying. Everyone blamed me for my mother’s death, I figured it would be no different with Levi.

He brought a hand up to my cheek and wiped away my tears.  “You could never do anything wrong Eren. You’re so perfect-“ He brought his hand back to his lap. “I had to stop texting you because it was too painful for me to be away from you. I thought if I stopped talking to you I would forget about you. I realized that I never wanted to forget about you, but when I tried to text you my phone said I couldn’t, I figured you blocked me. I don’t blame you for that, I would have too.”

“You left me at a horrible time, my parents got divorced over the summer. After you left I started having panic attacks. My friends were all really worried for me, whenever I hung out with them I would be void. I didn’t speak. Eventually I had to pretend that everything was okay. Then, a week before Christmas, Mika and I were shopping. When my mom came to pick us up she got hit by a drunk driver. She was in a coma for about a month and then... she died.” I was still crying, Levi was hugging me.

“Shhh... Everything’s going to be okay now, I’m here for you and I’m not going anywhere.”

Some time passed before I quieted down. Levi made us tea before we continued chatting. “I’m sorry that I left you, really. I thought it was for the best.”

“‘s fine. Promise that you’ll be here for me now?”

“I promise.” He laid his hands against my cheeks and tilted my head up so I was looking at him. “I am never leaving you again.” He leaned down and kissed me. We cuddled on the couch and refused to let each other go.

One of his roommates walked in and looked right at us, she looked behind her to speak to someone. “Awww... Erwin look you gotta see this.”

“What, Iz? Oh, you found him. Hey Eren, is Armin in your dorm?”

“What time is it?”

“12:00.”

“Yeah he’s there. Do me a favor and leave a sock on the door so I don’t walk in on you two.”

Erwin chuckled, “Will do.”

“Big bro?”

“Yeah Iz?”

“I’m happy for you,” she said with a slight smile on her face.

“Thanks Iz.”


	4. Found Him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read the new tags, if you’re not into that skip over the asterisks (I promise you’re not missing anything other than smut).  
> Also, I was gonna wait to post until I had a few chapters but I felt bad since it’s been awhile so here.  
> I forgot that I had Armin and Erwin go to prom together so I had to change chapter 3 a bit if anyone wants to go back and read it.

Armin’s already got another date with Erwin, they hang out all the time and it kinda gets annoying. I don’t want the love birds in my room unless Erwin brings Levi, which he does sometimes.

 

Also, I can’t believe it’s already been a month. College is going quicker than I expected. Levi and I are getting together after my Psych 101 class for lunch.

 

Surprisingly, everything is just like it was before we broke off, maybe even better. He seems to feel guilty about not talking to me, he’s been showering me with gifts and whatnot. Last week he got me chocolates and roses, the week before he got me a baby Eeyore stuffed animal, it’s making me feel guilty that I’m broke and can’t get anything for him. I told him that but he said not to worry about it, he loves making me happy. I swear I almost swooned.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Hey brat-“ Levi hugged me. I giggled, I love it when he calls me that. At first it was offensive but after a while I realized it was a nickname and now I love it.

“Hey Levi-“ I nuzzled my nose into his neck.

He pulled his head away- “I was wondering if you’d like to go on a date with me tonight.”

“Yeah, of course. Where and when?”

“Where is a surprise but I’ll pick you up at 6.”

“Perfect.” We walked hand in hand through the park, talking about anything that came to mind. All of a sudden my phone went off and I reached into my pocket to see who it was. “It’s my dad.”

“Answer it.”

I pressed the green button and put the phone to my ear- “Hey Dad, what’s up?”

“Where are you?”

“Umm... I’m out with Levi, why?”

“They found the man who hit her.”

I froze. The man who hit my mom was apparently sober enough to drive away, we’ve been looking for him for months. “Wha-“

“He’s going to court.”

“I-I can’t— I don’t—“ I was shaking, pulling at my hair, I feel like I can’t breathe. I don’t understand why I’m so upset, this is a good thing. The man who— he’s going away, he got caught. But then, why do I feel like this?

“Hey—“ Levi set a hand on my back— “What's going on?” I gave him the phone. “Mr. Jaeger, this is Levi. What’s going on?”

“The bastard who killed Eren’s mother was found and is going to court.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Once we were back in Levi’s suite l broke down crying. All of the memories from the hospital and the funeral came flooding back in. You killed her. You begged her to bring you to the mall. She wouldn’t have been there if you just stayed home and did some online shopping like she suggested.

When I came to, I realized I had a panic attack, I was curled up in a ball shaking like a house during an earthquake. Levi didn’t touch me, which I was thankful for, it probably would have sent me further down. Instead, he was kneeling on the ground in front of me, speaking in a soft voice, “it wasn’t your fault. There’s nothing you could have done to change it. We will put him away.”

I tried reaching down towards him but my arms were stuck from tensing my muscles for so long. “Hold me. Please,” I whimpered. He sat on the couch and wrapped his body around mine, tucking my head into his chest and rocking me.

“It’s gonna be okay,” he whispered through my sniffles. I wanted to believe him but for some strange reason I had a bad feeling about this trial. I don’t think we can get him.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

We were almost finished watching Castle in the Sky, still cuddled on the couch. “Hey, you still up for that date or do you want to stay in?”

“Yeah, I still wanna go. I can’t wait to see what you have planned.”

Levi turned off the TV and grabbed a black cloth. “Is it okay if I blindfold you? I want to keep it a surprise.”

I nodded my head and hummed. He wrapped the cloth around my head. He put an index finger under my chin, queuing me to stand and kissed me. “Wait here.” I heard some shuffling and then he wrapped his arm around my waist and guided me out to his car.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

We stopped moving and he helped me out of the car— “Stay.” I heard the trunk open and close, then, after a few minutes, he guided me to a spot and told me to take a seat. I put my hands down and felt a blanket underneath me. I started hearing the crickets, feeling the breeze, smelling the outdoors.

“Where are we?” No response came but there was clinking and a kiss on the back of my neck.

“Look straight forward and don’t open your eyes until I tell you to.” He pulled the blindfold off and I kept my eyes closed like he said. Levi took my hands in his— “Okay, open them.”

Since it was already dark out my eyes didn’t need to adjust to the light and I gasped. “Levi... it’s beautiful!” Behind Levi was the city of Trost, I could see the lights from the buildings and the stars all around.

“I know that today hasn’t been the best for you, but I wanted you to leave the night off feeling happy and pampered.”

I looked down to see a gourmet-looking pasta salad, champagne, and cherry cupcakes with orange frosting. “My favorite foods, Levi... did you make all of this?”

“Of course, I wanted tonight to be special.”

“But wh—“ Levi presented a ring box. “Levi, I-“

“It’s a promise ring,” he chuckles, “don’t worry, the real thing will be better.” He pulled out a silver band with a key engraved in it.

“It’s beautiful, thank you.” Levi slid the ring onto my right ring finger.

“You’re beautiful—“ he kissed the ring. “Eren, I love you.”

I smiled, “I love you too.” I moved my forehead against his. We sat there, just feeling each other, until I shivered when a cold breeze blew by.

“Here, take my coat.” I snuggled in it and could smell Levi’s scent. It made me feel safe, being wrapped in his scent. I shyly smiled up at him as he gave me a plate of pasta and a fork. The basil pesto was so good I was practically moaning.

“Lebi dis is delithith.”

“Close your mouth—“ cringing from seeing partially chewed food.

I chuckled and swallowed. “Really though,  thank you for all this. I really needed the distraction.”

“No problem brat. I love treating you.”

Later on we made cupcake sandwiches, seriously, it's the only way to eat a cupcake. We kissed with orange frosting on our lips, licking, sucking, and biting. When Levi started packing up I spotted the blindfold and got an idea. “Hey, Levi?”

“Yes?”

“Are your roommates in the suite this weekend?”

“As far as I know they’re all at home or with their girlfriends, why?”

“I have an idea for when we get back—“ I bit my lip and held up the blindfold with the tip of my index finger and Levi smirked.

“Abso-fucking-lutely,” he said in that sultry voice. Which kind of funny now that I’m thinking about, something so childish said in a sexy voice changes everything I guess.

 

**********

 

As soon as we got into the suite he slammed me against door and kissed me. His tongue sweeping across my lip, I opened my mouth and he forced his tongue in, dancing and twisting with my own. He started licking and sucking down my neck, making a hickey on the side and then on my collarbones.

“Room.” He slipped his hands under my ass and I wrapped my legs around his waist.

“God you’re so strong, that’s fucking hot.” I sucked a hickey on his neck before he threw me down on the bed. He took his shirt in that really sexy way, you know, when guys take it by the collar and pull it off and then throw it to the floor. “Fuck you’re so fucking hot.”

“I’m glad you think so.” He grabbed some lube out of the nightstand and the blindfold. “You sure you want this?”

“Mmhm.”

“You have too many clothes on—“ he started stripping me— “Safe word?”

“Trost.”

“Hm. Fitting.”

All I could think about was licking up that six pack that I wouldn’t be able to see in a few minutes. I pulled him in and did just that. I licked and sucked and kissed my way from his pecs to his jeans. “Can I?”

“Mouth only.”

“Yes, sir.” I took the zipper between my teeth and pulled down, Levi unbuttoned them and pulled his boxers down, he knows how much I hate the feeling of cloth between my teeth. I kissed his hip, getting closer and closer to that thick, 9 inch cock. Once I got there I licked up the underside, tonguing in the crease leading to his head and then his slit.

“Hah. Eren when’d you get so good?”

I kissed the tip of his dick and said, “well I do have the best teacher.” I wrapped my lips around his cock and started bobbing my head, tonguing the underside of his cock and getting deeper and deeper. I sucked him to the base of his cock, choking a bit and smelling raw Levi. I pulled off— “fuck my mouth.” He grabbed my hair and started thrusting into my mouth and down my throat.

“Oh fuck,” he moaned. He pulled my all the way to his base and pinched my nose. I couldn’t breathe but it almost felt... good. “Breathe when I let you.” I started getting a little lightheaded and moaned. He pulled me off and let me catch my breath before doing it  again. He pulled me off, pushed me down on the bed and kissed me.

“Mmm... so fucking good, I love it when you’re rough with me.”

He flipped me onto my stomach and pulled my hips up, giving my ass a slap. He blindfolded me again so that I couldn’t tell when or where he was going to slap me. “Count.”

_ Slap. _ On my right ass cheek. “One.”

_ Slap. _ On my left ass cheek. “Two.”

_ Slap. _ On both ass cheeks. “Three. Four.”

He let bearing down on me until a screamed, “fifty!—“ Sobbing from the overwhelming feelings of pain and ecstasy. My dick was purple and throbbing from how long I’ve been hard with no stimulation.

“Such a good boy for me baby. I think I should reward you now.”

“Yes, daddy. Please.”

“Fuck, call me that again.”

“Daddy, please fuck me.”

Levi growled like a starving animal, finally finding the right prey. He lubed up his  fingers, slowly inserting his middle finger into the tight abyss that was my asshole. “Aah,” I moaned.

“God I love this ass.” Levi put another finger in me, scissoring me and stretching me wide.

“Mm, yessss—“ I hung my head between my shoulders and against the pillow, arms shaking. Levi started curling his fingers, trying to find that special spot when angled up and— “Aahah! Fuck! Right there! Right there!”

He angled himself so that he was just brushing my prostate. “There?”

“Nnnoooo, please...”

“‘Please’ what?”

“Hah, please daddy, hit it again!”

He shoved three fingers straight into my prostate.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck! I’m gonna cum!”

“Well we can’t have that now can we?” He wrapped his fist around the base of my cock tightly, stopping my orgasm.

“Nnnn...” I started bucking into his hand but he didn’t let go.

I heard the click of the lube cap and felt the tip of his dick nudge my hole. He slowly pushed in to the base. We both moaned in ecstasy. “You ready?”

I didn’t think I could speak so I just nodded my head and huffed. He pulled out until just his head was in me and slammed back in, hitting my prostate dead on.

“AAAHHH! Levi!” I was shaking and twitching from the overstimulation. Every time he slammed back in and hit my prostate. “I’m gonna cum!”

“Not until I say you can.”

“Daddy please! I need to cum...”

He flipped me onto my back and put my legs on his shoulders, folding me in half and kissing me without pulling out. He pulled the blindfold off to stare into my teary eyes. “You’re so beautiful.”

I wrapped my arms around his neck, lifting myself up to kiss him, letting him dominate it. “Cum.” He commanded me and I came on the spot, strands flying across our stomachs, my hole twitching around his thick cock. His thrusts were stuttering and he started grunting.

“Fill me up, daddy.”

He came in my ass— “I love you—“ he caressed my cheek with the back of his hand.

“I love you too.” I kissed him for what felt like the millionth time. He pulled out and went to get a wet rag. “Where are you going?—“ I reached and arm towards him.

“If you think we’re going to sleep with this shit all over us you’re very wrong.”

 

**********

 

I giggled, watching his ass as he was walking away. “I hate to see you go but I love to watch you leave.”

“You’re just with me ‘cause of this ass, aren't you?”

“Mmm... no. It’s your dick too.” He wiped himself off and then me. Throwing the rag to the side he wrapped his arms around me and I rested my head on his chest, tangling our legs together. “Goodnight, brat.”

“Goodnight, Levi.” I nuzzled my head into his chest, able to get to sleep without any bad thoughts in my head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder! I’m always open to edits, if there’s anything (grammar, spelling, etc.) that doesn’t seem correct, please comment!


End file.
